WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
