he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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