I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
