Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
