I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Damn victory sex feels great
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
