ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
