Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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