i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
