I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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