Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Damn victory sex feels great
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
