Can Purell be used as lube?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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