grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
