I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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