Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
