quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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