I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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