we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He called his prostate his "boner button".
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
