Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
