in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
