I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
