I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
