I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
