I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize