Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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