I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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