Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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