Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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