i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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