I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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