Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
