my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
