First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
