like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
