A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Less talking, more tequila
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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