When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
