yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
