either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
