If that was your dad, he is hot
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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