I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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