shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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