after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
