we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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