when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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