i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
