I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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