I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
