Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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