Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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