i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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