im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
