Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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