I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize