You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I touched a dick in church today
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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