So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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