You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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