Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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