It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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