fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
