I'm lost and stupid without you.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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