elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
