Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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