Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
