I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
