Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
