Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize
