You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
