Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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